“People who help people remind me of you…”
A really good old friend said this to me the other night. We hadn’t spoken in a while; in fact it’s been such a while I didn’t realize he’d moved out of town to the mainland months ago. The catching up, and the comment couldn’t have come at a better time. Lars and I are learning to think in matters of our ‘self-esteem banks,’ and lately my bank has been taking a hit and was nearing empty. I’ve had my fair share of dark, depressing, even suicidal thoughts lately. In the heat of Lars’ and my most recent explosion, I made a few new mistakes, burned bridges with a few of his friends who now choose not to forgive me – which is within their right to do.
Yesterday, I met Ed. It was awkward at first, then we all got drunk. He was quick to make it clear he didn't like me calling him Ed, and when I refused to call him dad he settled on, "Mr. Ladouceur". Had I been sober, I'd probably have walked away right then and there. Instead, I sarcastically and deliberately referred to him as Mister Ladouceur many times throughout the evening and in return he called me Miss Ladouceur.
I go to bed most nights with a clean conscious. I know what my intentions are in my everyday actions. When I doubt my own integrity, or slip up and allow a lesser emotion like anger, frustration or hate control me (as I am human and we all make mistakes) I apologize for my actions and any upset I’ve caused. If my apologies go unheard, that’s not my problem really. I’m true to myself.
We spent yesterday evening on the Seadoo catching crab again. It was our first real big catch of the season – taking home four large Dungeness & one Rock Crab. It would have been two Rock Crabs but the second one got a hold of Lars’ thumb and was flung back into the water. Those fuckers can cause serious damage if they get the upper hand. Lars is just fine… The crab however, won that round.
If I understood the story correctly, the falling out between my sisters Renee and Amanda started with Renee not being able to make the multi-hour drive to Amanda’s baby shower and Amanda deciding “I want you to be a part of my party so badly that if you can’t make it for these few hours, I don’t want you in my life at all”. This mentality is immature and absurdly stupid – so stupid I imagine that even Amanda would deny her motivations being such.
I’ve been back in Canada for 5 years now. I spent Canada Day 2007 in Sooke, with my brother’s dad Tim, and Tim’s immediate family – my step-grandma, aunts and uncles. Tonight, Lars, Martin and I will head to Sooke again. I hope Aunt Patty is there. I’ve been told her cancer is getting the best of her these days – and I haven’t had a chance to see her since she was diagnosed.
There's so much left I'm tempted to say, so many urges to scream about the hypocrisies, the unjust and uninformed opinions that have been born. But really... what is the point? When words are not heard as intended and assumptions have already tainted perspective, more words are better left unsaid. At least, that's what my heart is inclined to believe.
I leave for Squamish this morning. It’s the start of a very busy couple of months ahead and a step towards some major transitions in life: transitions for us and for others all of which already seem to be creating a whole lot of turbulence. If people aren’t getting married, they’re having babies, if they’re not having babies they’re taking leaps and bound towards a new unexpected chapter in their lives. Everyone is changing right now. I believe change is good even if the transitional period is painful.
I have created a new addition to my site. Dear Ali can be found under my journal menu and will be used as an online diary of letters to my son.
I once thought the hardest thing I’d ever done in life was give birth to my son. I’ve since learned the hardest thing was really leaving him behind when I had to leave the UAE, and living each day I must without him.
I cannot wait for the day he and I are together again.