“People who help people remind me of you…”
A really good old friend said this to me the other night. We hadn’t spoken in a while; in fact it’s been such a while I didn’t realize he’d moved out of town to the mainland months ago. The catching up, and the comment couldn’t have come at a better time. Lars and I are learning to think in matters of our ‘self-esteem banks,’ and lately my bank has been taking a hit and was nearing empty. I’ve had my fair share of dark, depressing, even suicidal thoughts lately. In the heat of Lars’ and my most recent explosion, I made a few new mistakes, burned bridges with a few of his friends who now choose not to forgive me – which is within their right to do.
I’ve been so busy studying lately I haven’t had a chance to journal. I am writing more than I’m typing these days, and I’ve learned more than I ever thought possible for such a short time period. I’m in the top of my class and am struggling to stay there. This means I go to school all day on weekdays and then I study all night and every weekend. I rarely take time off. Lars and Martin deal with the housework and food throughout the week.
The first week of school is done. It’s harder, more in-depth, and quicker paced than I was expecting. I’ve found myself in quite the sour mood today, as a result, I’m sure. My head hurts and at various moments I’ve felt this incredible urge to start crying for no real apparent reason today. I am not PMSing. I do not like being without knowledge. I do like not being in control.
Yesterday, I met Ed. It was awkward at first, then we all got drunk. He was quick to make it clear he didn't like me calling him Ed, and when I refused to call him dad he settled on, "Mr. Ladouceur". Had I been sober, I'd probably have walked away right then and there. Instead, I sarcastically and deliberately referred to him as Mister Ladouceur many times throughout the evening and in return he called me Miss Ladouceur.
It’s funny how what you do can so fully become what you are. Today was my last day at work. I did all the daily duties I normally do, and I went through all the routines that each day demands; however, today as I did each task for the last time there was a little twist on it. I forwarded my emails to someone else, I removed myself from escalation lists, I emptied out my inbox and I said goodbye.
I go to bed most nights with a clean conscious. I know what my intentions are in my everyday actions. When I doubt my own integrity, or slip up and allow a lesser emotion like anger, frustration or hate control me (as I am human and we all make mistakes) I apologize for my actions and any upset I’ve caused. If my apologies go unheard, that’s not my problem really. I’m true to myself.
My niece Alyssa Violet Anne Healey was born at Victoria General Hospital, on July 14th at 10:33pm. She weighed 9.5 lbs and was 22 inches long. I was blessed enough to be there before, during and after the delivery. This little girl is stunning. I was thrilled to have welcomed her as one of the first few people to meet her as she came into our world!
I always set my alarm clock earlier than I need to because I want a ‘warning’ that it’s almost time to get up. It’s my way of preventing a rude-awakening, I guess. This habit results in me hitting the snooze button often, often in excess of 10-12 times before I actually get up and out of bed. Lars does not share this same habit with me. In fact, I’m certain if we ever separated it’s the last part of our relationship he’d miss. Lars wakes upon the first of my morning alarms. This morning, that was at 4:45am.